I've never been one to wax lyrical as to my own nature, nor am I interested in listening to the words of others as they describe theirs. It is actions that arouse me. So how do I convey this in this word based medium? Awkwardly, I suppose. In pieces. After all, if you're going to be reading this, you probably should have some idea of who it is that writes.
My early impressions of this Xbox 360 game may help with getting to know me.
Plane crash. Check. Swam to ominous tower. Check. Climbed into humorously named bathysphere and go down. Er…check. Stop at the bottom of down and watch as something gets all violent, and this is where things start to go wrong.
Okay, so I have hands. Good. Going to use them to open door of humorously named elevator thingy and put a stop to the shenanigans. Hmm. Hands won't open door. Fingers wont push on conveniently located button, murder ensued, forced to watch unable to help, to participate. Manic, low level giggling began to echo throughout my brain.
And then the bathysphere door opened. I breathed a sigh of relief. Freedom...
Someone named Atlas was lecturing me on something. I obeyed, still stunned by the recent violence. I have a spanner in my hand, my right hand, and I used it to send someone's brains splattering across the floorboards. The giggling returned.
Look, a handbag! Inside which are cigarettes, candy and cash! A message read "What is this?" as if I didn't know. I am perplexed. My avatar must be a moronic glutton who gets hard for violence. But I can't pick the damn thing up. I wanted to accessorise, yet the handbag refused to be lifted, it taunted my idiocy and my id, but remained heavier than anything even Atlas could lift. A bottle of booze lay discarded nearby. Of course I drunk it, wouldn't you?
Trying to move away from that table, I found that I was stuck. Looking down to uncover what impeded my progress I discovered I had no feet! I was a pair of hands floating through the landscape, hands that get stuck if there are things in the way of my, invisible?, feet. Moving again, I happened upon a masquerade ball, there, at my…er…feet, lay several masques, all beyond my grasp, cryptically unexplained. A little further and another brutal murder about which I can do nothing but watch. And then the introduction ends, and my gamerscore chirpily tells me I've acquired 10 points.
Hmm, so here's what I got from that…
I'm supposed to be playing a mindless moron, who drools for food, cigs, and booze, play dress ups and loves either to watch or participate in extremely brutal acts of violence. A little later, when encountering the first vending machine, after playing the hacking mini-game I spent all of the money I had found on the liquor available therein, getting my avatar thoroughly drunk.
It seemed fitting somehow. And then I switched the game off.
What were your first impressions?