I am a coward, paralysed by fear and feelings of inadequacy. A shivering rodent that is starving to death because it lacks the intestinal fortitude to face the dangers of the real world and forage for food. I'm a wannabe, a nobody, and an irrelevant aberration in the constant stream of consciousness that is the internet.
I fear referencing sites I admire because they may back-track to this blog. The potential for others to come here and find disappointment terrifies me. I look at the blogs that I read, that I admire, that make me laugh and think and I feel unworthy.
None of this has anything to do with "reality" they are irrational feelings that govern my behaviour.
These feelings are contradicted by the reasons for this blog. It is not a vehicle for fame and fortune. I do not seek academic acclaim - no chance of that, I mean have you read any of this shit? I don't expect that anyone will read it, I have to pay my friends for their friendship, so expecting a stranger to contribute for free is…unrealistic.
I seek an identity. This blog is an honest record of me. One aspect of me, in any case. A time capsule of my thoughts and feelings in word form.
I want the chance to test whether my thoughts have any value at all. By offering them to scrutiny I can better determine whether my fears are warranted and can maybe challenge them by scrutinising them through the lens of your experience. I can learn from you, grow and become more worthwhile as a person (whatever the fuck that means).
That doesn't mean I'm not shitting my pants with fear. I hate being such a coward, time to face the music and get my game on, right?